How To Help Older Siblings To Adjust To Their New Brother/Sister

As a mother of two girls, I only had to go through the transition of adding a new child to our family once. But even that one time taught me some valuable lessons about the subject, and showed me just how difficult of a time it really is (although it’s undoubtedly a special one as well).

For instance, in my case, my eldest daughter was begging for a sibling. And throughout my pregnancy, she was extremely excited to meet her new little sister. But she was also a little jealous, and that jealousy magnified once I brought my youngest into the world.

Thankfully though, after a few months, the worst of the jealousy fizzled out. But those few months were tough. And if I can help any other moms make that transition a bit easier, then I’d love to! So today I want to talk about some ways that you can help your eldest child (or children) get used to their new sibling.

Start Making Adjustments While You’re Still Pregnant

So many changes are going to happen all at once when you bring the new baby home, and therefore, if you can help your older child start to adjust beforehand then it could make the transition go a bit smoother.

For instance, like it or not, you’re not going to be able to spend as much undivided time with your firstborn after there’s a baby involved. And to prepare them for this change, you could start to slowly adjust their schedule during pregnancy. If your child is used to playing with you throughout the day, teach them how to play on their own a little bit at a time.

You should also start introducing them to the new baby’s things gradually. A crib here and some baby clothes there, in order to keep them from feeling like their home has suddenly changed.

And you could also begin talking to them about what to expect. If your child is younger, then you could buy them a baby doll and teach them how to gently interact with it. Get them touching your tummy to feel their new baby sister/brother kick, and show them pictures of what babies look like!

If your kid is older, then you could really dive into conversations about what will happen after the baby is born. And you could answer any questions they may have.

Make Sure To Still Spend Quality Time With Your Older Child

Newborns require a lot of care and attention, there’s no getting around it! But although that might make it more difficult to find time to spend with only your older child, it’s still a necessary task to ensure your firstborn doesn’t feel “forgotten”.

The amount of quality time you’re able to spend with your older child will depend on many things, but try to make sure that this time is scheduled and reliable. At least as much as it can be.

For instance, I used to try and make sure to play with my older daughter every day for at least 15-30 minutes while the baby was napping in the afternoon. And then tried to sprinkle extra playtime throughout the day whenever I could.

So maybe for you, it’s a bedtime routine with your older child that they can count on no matter what. Or perhaps you can work out a schedule with your partner that they spend half an hour with the baby, while you spend it with the older child. And vice versa.

Give Your Older Child A “Baby-Free” Space

Sometimes, to kids, it can feel as though the new baby has taken over the entire house in addition to all of their parent’s time. And this doesn’t help them work through feelings of jealousy and resentment.

So try to make sure that your older child has an area that remains baby free. This can act as a safe space for them, and they’ll know that there’s somewhere they can go if the baby gets to be a bit too much for them. Even little ones need alone time and their own space!

Ideally this space would be the child’s bedroom. And even if your children are sharing a room, you can still make sure to keep the baby elsewhere throughout the day. So that your older child still has some space of their own.

Don’t “Blame” The Baby For Anything

Let’s imagine for a second that your oldest child has come to you and asked if you can play with them for a while, but you’re busy with the baby at the moment and won’t have the time until later.

Don’t say anything like, “I’m taking care of the baby now, maybe later.” 

Because this will just lead to your child blaming the new baby at that moment…

Instead you could reword the sentence to say something like, “I’m busy right now, is it ok if we play a little later on?”

Of course, your child might still end up blaming the baby anyway. But you avoided drawing a direct connection between you not having time to do something and the baby being the reason. So you may be surprised at how much this helps to diffuse situations.

Praise Your Older Child For Having Positive Interactions With The Baby

Positive reinforcement has been proven to be a great parenting technique, and it won’t fail you in this situation either! So be sure to respond positively whenever you notice your child being nice to the baby, and this will eventually lead to them doing it more often.

Examples of things to praise would be…

• Gentle touches
• Attempts at playtime
• Interest in the baby
• Or even positive comments directed at the baby

In these situations, make sure to tell them how good of a big sister/brother they are or how much their little sibling loves them. I used to do this with my daughter, and she responded so cutely to being told that her baby sister loved her.

Sometimes, you might even have to be the one to orchestrate these situations. Encourage things like playtime, show your child how to gently show affection for the baby, etc.

Likewise, Try To Respond As Calmly As You Can To Your Older Child Having Negative Interactions With The Baby

Especially depending on the situation, your older child being mean to the baby can be alarming. But although you should definitely step in if you’re seeing signs of aggression, try to do so calmly. Because reacting with panic, a raised voice, etc… could end up making the situation worse.

And try to remember that your older child acting out in this way is normal. Kids, especially younger ones, being aggressive with their new sibling is unfortunately something you need to expect. Because kids don’t always know how to show their emotions, and sometimes this can lead to them hitting and becoming physical.

You’re not doing anything wrong, your older child won’t do these things forever, and as long as you swiftly intervene, no harm will come to the baby. But this is also why you shouldn’t leave the baby unattended with their older sibling, as tempting as it may be (particularly if they seem to be getting along).

Keep In Mind That Things Might Play Out Differently Depending On Your Older Child’s Age

There’s a big difference between bringing a new baby home when your firstborn is a toddler, and bringing one home when the older child is already seven or eight. So I wanted to dedicate a whole section to talking about some of the variations that you can expect due to age.

Ages – Under Two

It might seem like a firstborn who is still essentially still a baby itself might not even notice or process the change, therefore making the transition easier. But that’s not true, and in fact, this can be the trickiest transition of all because you can’t always gauge how your little one is truly reacting to its new sibling .

So the best approach is typically to just make sure that you’re still carving out special time for your older child, and be aware that issues might pop up later on when both kids age a bit.

Ages – Two To Three

Kids at this age might show signs of regression when their new little sibling enters the picture. Because seeing you take care of the newborn might make them want to be treated as a small baby again too.

If this does happen, then a way you can combat these feelings is by reminding them how great it is to be a “big kid”. Make sure to draw their attention to the perks of not being a small baby anymore, and see if the regression subsides.

Ages – Four to Six

By the time a child is four to six, they’re often able to handle transitions like this a bit easier. So your four to six year old could do just fine after gaining a sibling, but it’s possible that they may still be annoyed with the baby at times or have the same feelings of jealousy as younger kids.

Just be sure to be aware of your child’s feelings and make them feel like any potential complaints are heard and understood. This is also an age range where making them feel like they’re helping with the new baby could promote bonding.

Ages – Seven to Eight

Once again, kids at this age will probably handle the transition quite well. But one potential issue that could arise with older kids like this is that they won’t express any negative feelings to you. So even if they are struggling with the change, you may not know it.

This means that it’s especially important that you pay close attention to your older child and try to make sure they’re opening up to you. And of course, much like with the four to six year old children you can promote sibling bonding by allowing the elder child to help occasionally. Kids at this age love to feel useful!

Note – All Kids Are Different

Of course, these are just generalizations as to how kids of a certain age may react to their new sibling. But every child is different, so every case will be as well. And you’ll need to be prepared for unique circumstances that only you will really know how to navigate as a parent to both your children.

My older daughter, for example, was about three and half years old when I had her younger sister. But she was already wanting to help with the new baby, because it made her feel included. Which is the opposite of the regression case I discussed earlier.

Remember That Things Will Get Better

If there’s one thing that I really want you to remember out of all the information I’ve shared today, it’s this… things will get better! Your older child will get used to their new sibling, and your family will find a new normal.

My daughters are now best friends, despite the jealousy in the beginning. And my older daughter has never regretted asking for her baby sister. So those tough months of transitioning were completely worth it.

And I hope that this post, and the tips it contains, has helped make your transition a bit easier to navigate! But in any case, thank you for reading it. And if you have any of your own tips to share in regards to this topic, I’d love to hear them!