How To Set Boundaries With Parents Regardless Of Age

Learning how to set boundaries with parents is a pivotal step in most of our lives. Sometimes we need to set boundaries with our own parents, help our partners set boundaries with theirs, and even teach our kids how to set them with us! But regardless of the situation, it’s not the easiest thing to do. Trust me, I know…

So today we’re going to be breaking down the basics of how to set boundaries with parents, without pushing them away!

What are boundaries?

First off, let’s talk about what boundaries really are. Because for a long time, they were completely associated with physical things. For instance, boundaries in the past were seen as things you talked about in terms of touching. Like…

“Please don’t hug me without asking.”
“I’m not comfortable with you touching me without my permission.”
“Could you please stop touching me in ‘x’ place?”

But boundaries can be related to any area of life. Physical boundaries are certainly still a thing, but so are emotional ones and everything in between! And especially in terms of learning how to set boundaries with parents, it’s important to realize how many forms boundaries can take. Such as…

“I don’t take phone calls after 9 PM unless it’s an emergency. That’s my ‘me time’.”
“Please don’t give me advice unless I ask for it.”
“I won’t answer any questions relating to ‘x’ thing, that’s a boundary for me.”

We’ll obviously get into more examples as we go on, but I hope these did a good job of showing you the range that they can have!

A Guide To Setting Boundaries With Parents

Step One: Identify The Boundary Clearly

Boundaries are the most effective when they’re very clear. So before you ever even bring them up to your parents, you need to sit down and assess exactly what they are. Sometimes, if you’re not used to setting them, this step can be hard. You may even feel confused about what they are. So here are some tips…

Take note of when you feel triggered, overly emotional, hurt, or angered in response to something your parents do. Then try to work backwards from it and figure out why.
Keep a little list if you need to, of instances where they’ve triggered you. Then take a look through it to find the common thread, if you haven’t already identified it.
Talk it out with a neutral third party who you can trust. This can mean therapy, talking with friends or your partner, or even journaling to yourself. But the more you can work through your feelings, the more clear things will become.
Once you figure out what your parents are doing to upset you, brainstorm a boundary that would keep it from happening.
Keep working on ways to describe the boundary in a clear, straight-to-the-point way. Until you feel confident in it!

Step Two: Communicate The Boundary

Once you have your boundary clear in your mind, it’s time to take it to your parents. There are multiple ways you could go about this at first, depending on your circumstances, how serious/big the boundary or offense is, etc…

But the best way is usually to just start a conversation. This can be over the phone, over text, or in person. It can be in the presence of a trusted third-party, alone with your parent(s) in a one-on-one, etc. Choose whichever medium makes you the most comfortable.

Additionally, try to approach the conversation calmly if you can. This is important because if you try to set a boundary when you’re already elevated emotionally, it can trigger defensiveness in the other person and potentially impact your ability to communicate clearly. So try to choose your moment wisely (if this is possible in your scenario), rather than attempting it in an emotionally charged moment.

Tips For Bringing It Up

So when you’ve chosen your moment, and it’s time to bring it up… Try implementing the following tips!

Focus more on what you do want than what you don’t, when you’re explaining your new boundary. This is because you obviously want the emphasis to be on the ideal course of action for your parent(s) moving forward. And by putting more focus on something positive, rather than harping on something they do that you don’t like… You’re cutting down on the chance of them getting defensive.
Be as clear as possible. This means presenting the boundary in a direct way, answering questions if they ask them, and not leaving any grey area. It could also mean the willingness to dive deeper if they ask questions, but that’s very dependent on the circumstance and the intention behind what they’re asking.
Stand firm. This is probably the hardest part, especially for my people pleasers out there… But try not to shrink, even if your parents react poorly to the boundary. (This is where backup could be helpful, if need be.) And furthermore, if it’s applicable to your situation, you’ll need to firmly state the potential consequences of not abiding by your boundaries to your parents.

Step Three: Hold Them Accountable

Now, for some of you the journey may not end when you set the boundary. Parents have a way of getting stuck in hold habits, especially when it comes to their kids. So you may have to remind them of your boundary if they start crossing it again.

And again, your response is very dependent on your situation. If you and your parents have a healthy relationship, and the boundary that they’re crossing is less severe then you may be able to work through it with gentle reminders when they slip up. But for others, you may have to implement consequences.

These could look like…

Ending the conversation if a boundary is crossed, or removing yourself from their presence physically.
Drawing even stronger boundaries, and avoiding situations where your boundaries get crossed.
Or even going low or no contact if the problem is serious and persists.

Additionally, depending on your situation, you could issue warnings. Like “if ‘x’ boundary keeps getting crossed I’m going to ‘x’.” But the important thing is that you do what you say you’ll do, otherwise the boundary won’t be taken seriously (and future ones won’t be either).

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries with parents can be a difficult, and frustrating, task! But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t necessary or healthy to do so. And I hope you’re able to walk away from this post with a little more clarity on how to pull it off, or at the very least, the knowledge that you’re not alone in finding it hard!

Plus, I hope you’ll check out some of my other content. Such as this article on the advantages of budgeting.

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